You probably already know that husbands and wives typically initiate or ask for a divorce (or at least want to separate or check out of the relationship for a while) for completely different reasons. Of course, every situation is unique and this is not always true, but it often is.
I am writing this article from the standpoint of a woman whose husband initiated a divorce in the past. To save my marriage, I researched every book, course, and piece of expert advice I could get my hands on to learn how I could preserve my relationship and get my husband to come back home. I learned a lot about why marriages end and why spouses leave.
As a result, I’m often approached by both women and men who share their marital problems and issues with me. As a woman myself and after speaking with countless women who’ve either checked out of their relationship or want a divorce, I typically see a common theme among them.
Why Women Leave Men: If a woman wants to leave or get a divorce, it’s very likely that the marital problem (or more likely problems – plural) were festering, worsening, and feeding upon themselves for a reasonably long while. Most women are by nature very loyal and they will let issues stack up and get very bad before they finally take action. This is very unfortunate because by the time the wife is truly fed up and walking out the door, there is usually quite a bit of damage already done and quite a lot of ground to make up.
Of course, there are societal problems and pressures that magnify a woman’s frustration and encourage her to bottle up her feelings until it is too late. Women are caregivers who must take generally take care of their spouse, children, bosses, businesses, parents and a home. Throw in money or job stress and you can understand that we’ve often running on empty, but we don’t want to admit this and burden anyone else so we keep pressing our frustration down until it boils over.
The truth is, caring for others is our nature and often we don’t mind this. (We even get a lot of satisfaction out of knowing we take care of those we love). But, (this is a huge but, so pay close attention) we want to be recognized, appreciated, and loved for this. And, when these issues pose problems or questions for us, we’d like you to listen. Wives generally don’t expect husbands to solve their problems, but they’d like a sounding board and sympathetic ear just the same.
Learn From This And Give Your Wife What She Wants: Women absolutely hate being taken for granted. We might push this feeling aside and try to get our own validation from our friends or ourselves in the short term, but eventually we very much resent it when people can count on all we do without showing appreciation. (Husbands often assume if they are good fathers or providers wives will know they are loved. Don’t make this mistake. Tell your wife (often) that you love and appreciate her, both verbally and with your actions.)
In addition to this, almost as much as anything else, women want to feel understood, valued, and listened to. We very much want you to “get us” and understand what makes us tick, makes us happy, makes us worried, or makes us scared in the same way that our girlfriends do.
Now, we realize this is unrealistic (as men and women are different), but we’d like for you to make the attempt and listen and pay attention just the same.
A Wife Needing Your Attention And Appreciation is Not “High Maintenance:” Sometimes men mistake a woman’s need for attention, understanding, reassurance, and appreciation as our being “high maintenance.” This is a huge mistake. We would not be so “needy” if you’d just throw us a bone every once in a while. We wish men knew that if they took only five minutes to listen to us daily, affectionately and reassuringly touched us occasionally (without expecting anything in return), and weaved the word “thank you” firmly into your everyday vocabulary, we’d likely be very happy with both you and the marriage. This is such a simple formula, but so few husbands really understand it.
Little Gestures And Reassurances Are Easy, Take Little Time, And Are Very Important To Women: Little things that show love and appreciation make such a huge difference and are the glue that holds a marriage together. Unfortunately, the truth is that if you don’t give these things to your wife she’ll eventually give up and seek them somewhere else. She may get frustrated and check out of the marriage, lean on her friends more than her spouse, or become vulnerable to some other man who has mastered being a friendly, safe, and reassuring “good listener.” Every one knows the guy who isn’t particularly attractive or rich, but all of the women are drawn to him. Why? Because he’s mastered the art of showing women respect, appreciation, and an understanding shoulder to lean on. Be this man for your wife. It isn’t hard and you can do it.
Giving Your Wife What She Needs Before It’s Too Late: Take advantage of what I’ve told you and give your wife what she needs. Now, you don’t want to be overtly obvious about this or harp on it. You also need this behavior to be very genuine, and you need to make this a daily priority in your life. Believe me, your wife will take notice. She may be a bit suspicious at first, but if you wait her out and keep right on doing what you need to, she will eventually know that you are sincere.
Getting Your Wife Back If She’s Already Left Or Initiated Divorce: If your wife has already left, checked out of the relationship or initiated divorce, getting her to listen to you and getting her back home is going to be harder, but it is certainly not impossible, (and if you do this correctly, it will strengthen your relationship and your marriage and you with both be happier and more fulfilled.)
You will just have to take very calculated baby steps to reestablish trust, appreciation, and intimacy. She may not be receptive at first because you’ve waited too long, but this is where your genuine patience, and love and appreciation for her will come into play. If you take the correct steps (at the correct time) to gradually reestablish a cordial relationship and begin to show her that you can provide what she needs, you can eventually reverse the damage and build something all together new.
